A local man has spent the evening kicking himself after finally coming up with a witty response to a nasty message he received after a game of FIFA.

David Wilson, who plays approximately 6 hours of FIFA a day, describes himself as ‘a casual player’, and was attempting to complete a Weekly Objective in a Division Rivals match.

“I was trying to complete some Weekly Gold objective,” he explained. “I was already struggling a bit when I came up against this guy who had an absolutely loaded team.”

“I thought I made a pretty decent go of it, but unfortunately the game finished 6-1,” he continued.

Shortly after the game had finished, David said that he received a particularly nasty message from his opponent that compared the domination that had occurred in the match to an intimate act that had been performed by the opponent on David’s mother the previous evening.

“I saw the message notification come up while in the post-game screen,” David said. “It’s not really worth repeating, but it came through so quickly!”

“The other guy must have connected up a keyboard to his console just for this.”

David said that he spent 15 minutes staring at the message, willing himself to come up with a witty enough response that he could share with his friends for a laugh.

“I’ve seen people online act confused and pretend it was a Squad Battles game, but that didn’t really work because I’d lost the game pretty badly,” he said. “I even half typed up a response suggesting that my mother is under-aged and that made them a pedophile, but that didn’t really make sense so I deleted it.”

Finally, after 25 minutes, David admitted to himself that he had been bested, replied with a lame ‘No U’, and blocked and reported the player.

However, in the shower three days later, David had a revelation.

“I was just finishing up brushing my teeth when the perfect response came to me,” he said. “It was something like ‘Man, I knew my mum was into charity, but I didn’t know that included virgin FIFA players’.”

“I think I must have laughed at that for a good five minutes.”

David admitted that he did boot up his console to send the reply, but realised that it had been far too long.

“It’s a real shame,” David said sadly. “I’ve even tried deliberately losing a few games by large margins to see if I could get a similar message, but all I’ve gotten since then was a lousy ‘GG’.”

Follow us on FacebookTwitterReddit and Instagram for the latest gaming satire.