Pope Francis made calls for a new crusade after being humiliated 6-0 in a Weekend League match against a Middle-Eastern player with a 196-rated Squad.
The Pope, who is an avid FIFA player in his spare time, had been taking advantage of a break in his Papal duties to play some Weekend League when the match-up occurred.
“Things weren’t going well for His Holiness,” an anonymous Vatican source revealed. “He’d lost 4 of his first 5 matches of the weekend and was already feeling pretty aggrieved when he was matched up with this opponent.”
The opponent’s team was reportedly ‘absolutely stacked’, featuring Icons such as Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Best, as well as TOTY De Bruyne, Van Dijk and Kante.
While such a team would provide a formidable opponent for any player, the Pope’s Jesuit vows made the match up even harder.
“As a Jesuit, the Pope has taken a vow of poverty, something that he extends to his FIFA and video game endeavours,” a Vatican spokesperson explained. “As such, he feels he can only use bronze players in his squads, which is a real problem in February, when every Tom, Di…, apologies, Richard, and Harry has icons in their squad.”
The Pope’s strong views on gambling also mean he’s never opened a pack, with about 140 unopened packs on his account.
The match itself did not get off to a good start for the 266th Pope, with George Best sprinting down the sideline before crossing it in for a tap in straight from the kick-off.
The Pope was left fuming after the match finished 6-0, claiming that the squad carried the opponent to victory, and, after finding out the opponent was based in Saudi Arabia, absolutely lost it.
“Why am I being matched up with someone in the Middle-East,” he reportedly screamed in his Vatican chambers. “A pay-to-win squad with his daddy’s oil-money black Amex.”
“Call the Cardinals,” he then yelled. “We’re having another Crusade.”
The Pope reportedly only calmed down after an advisor suggested that he could potentially use gold and special players, provided they were Catholic.
“His eyes lit up when someone suggested it,” the source said. “Lionel Messi, Antoine Griezmann and Anthony Martial are all Catholic, so that’s His Holiness’ front three sorted.”